Confessions of an Alli Cat (The Cougar Chronicles #1)
by Courtney Cole
Publication Date: October 23, 2012
Publisher: Lakehouse Press
Thirty-five year-old Allison “Alli” Lancaster has it all—a fabulous job, a beautiful 15 year-old daughter, a hilarious BFF and a gorgeous house with a pool and Jacuzzi in an exclusive Las Vegas neighborhood. What she doesn’t have is a husband, because she kicked her lousy, cheating ex to the curb nine months ago. Since then, Alli has paid her dues with seemingly endless self-improvement and seemingly endless mourning. Now she’s ready to move on and try new things.
Alli’s idea of “trying new things” is nothing like that devil-of-a-best-friend of hers. Somehow, Sara, the devil of a best friend, talks Alli into trying out a sex toy, sleeping with a younger man and letting a stranger in a lab jacket put hot wax on a place that should never, ever, ever see wax. And that’s only the beginning.
Alli never saw her life going quite like this. She also never thought she’d meet someone else who had the very real potential to change her life forever.
But she did.
Enter the new guy. He’s gorgeous, refined and mature. He’s also marriage material. But that poses a problem for Alli, who renounced the institution of marriage when she renounced her ex. What’s a girl to do?
They say that what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But what the heck happens when you can’t leave Vegas? Well, you spin the wheel, of course. You play the game and let the chips fall where they may.
Alli just hopes she can find them all.
Caution! Only read this book if you want to laugh and are not offended at adult themes and language. This is not a Young Adult book.
My Thoughts: I am a big fan of Courtney Cole's and have read her YA books, and recently her adult book, Of Blood and Bone, which I loved. When I learned she had written another adult book, Confessions of an Alli Cat, of course I couldn't wait to check it out. I have to say, this is one of the most hilarious books I have ever read. My jaws literally hurt from laughing and grinning for the biggest part of the time I was reading it. The other part of the time I was fanning my face.
Allison Lancaster is 35 years old, and recently divorced from her husband of 15 years, who she found out was cheating on her. Her best friend Sara, who is an absolute hoot, decides she needs to spice up her life. She first takes her to the "naughty store," where they purchase Geronimo. She then talks her into going to an exclusive club called Utopia where they hook-up with sexy young high-end escorts, which they have chosen on-line prior to arrival. Alli has chosen "Shade," who is young, hot, and looks like a Greek Sex God. He opens Alli's eyes to a world of fun she never dreamed of filled with all kinds of surprises. When Alli begins to fall for her new boss Alex, a whole new can of worms is opened up, especially when she begins to find out more about him.
The book is told from mainly Alli's point of view, put there are parts when we get to hear from Shade and even Alex. I absolutely loved Alli. She is hilarious and one of the most fun characters I have come across in a novel. The situations she gets herself into and the things she thinks and says will leave you holding your side in laughter. From Brazilian waxes to Botox, the fun never ends. OMG, Shade, well let's just say he is every woman's secret fantasy, and when you read the book and find out more about him and who he is, you will find that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in that department. I have to say that this is one of the most entertaining and fun books I have ever read. If you are offended by adult themes, humor, and language, then this book probably isn't for you. If not, and you want to experience one outrageously funny, hot, romantic, and super sexy book, you should definitely pick up Confessions of an Alli Cat. I can guarantee that you won't be disappointed.
“You look marvelous!” Sara says when I round the corner into the bedroom.
“I feel ridiculous.”
“Why? We are simply two wealthy women with trophy boy toys out for a night on the town at one of Vegas’s most luxurious night spots. Nothing to feel ridiculous about.”
“I’m dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, only without the body for it,” I say, indicating my short, tight dress. “How did I let you talk me into buying this?”
“Well, I thought it might help things with Rick the Dick many moons ago, but this is an even better use. Besides, you look mouthwatering.”
Standing up, she walks to me. She trails the fingertips of one hand down my cheek.
“A beautiful face,” she says, dragging her hands down to palm my boobs next. She gives them a squeeze. “Delicious rack,” she declares then grabs my waist and spins me around. “And a perfect ass,” she exclaims, slapping my butt. “You are gorgeous and any man in his right mind would give his left nut to lick you from head to toe and everywhere in between.”
“I think you secretly have the hots for me,” I laugh. “Maybe I should be going out with you instead.”
“Oh, you flatter! If either of us swung that way, we’d be perfect together. But, alas, I’m a sausage lover, as are you. No tacos for us.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Have you always been this way and I’m just now noticing?”
“Yes. You’ve been preoccupied for a few years.”
“I’m beginning to really love this new you. Even if she shocks me regularly and gets me into trouble more often than not.”
“You love it and you know it. I add much-needed excitement to your life,” Sara claims, walking to the mirror to touch up her lipstick.
“Did I tell you I love that hair style on you, too?” I ask, referring to her dark red pixie cut. She totally has the face to pull it off.
“Keep going like that and I’m yours.”
We both laugh.
“Well, I guess I’m ready.” I add under my breath, “At least as ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Then it’s time to go.”
My stomach flutters in dread and anxiety and, yes, a little bit of excitement. I take a deep breath and smile at Sara. She loops her arms through mine and grins.
“Welcome to the first night of the rest of your life.”
We make our way outside and down the walk to the curb, to the shiny black limousine waiting there. The ride is only twenty minutes or so, during which I drink champagne in the back of the limo at a rate of speed that would make a sailor proud.
When we glide to a stop at the club, I follow Sara out of the car.
And the man waiting for me nearly takes my breath away.
He’s taller than I imagined and much broader than I expected. His shoulders look a mile wide in his perfectly-tailored tuxedo, making his waist look smaller than mine. His hair is dark brown and his eyes are the same dark, sparkling blue as they are in his picture.
He’s young, all right. But there is nothing boyish about this guy. Not at all.
As I step from the car, he extends his hand toward me. I slip my fingers into his and he smiles. I’m pretty sure my knees go numb and my uterus has a spasm. But it’s when he speaks that I know it’s all over but the shouting. And the Hallelujah choir.
“You’re more beautiful than I could’ve imagined,” he purrs in a deep, velvety voice.
Yep, I’m gonna ride him like a runaway bull tonight. No two ways about it.
The thought makes me smile.
My vagina has decided that she hates me.
This much is true and apparent.
I wake up with my crotch still on fire. Sort of. It’s okay, really, until it rubs against something. Like fabric or a chair or a sheet or anything at all. It’s a little inconvenient since I can’t go to work naked.
I groan as I step into the shower, imagining the day I’m going to have.
And then I scream as the hot water runs down over my vag. It may as well be boiling.
My brain is screaming at me and I fumble with the water, turning it all the way over to cold. Which of course leaves me screaming and hopping as I try to adjust it to a tepid temperature that I can actually stand in while I wash my hair.
All the commotion, of course, brings Sophie running into my bathroom.
“Are you alright?” she shouts. “Did you fall?”
“I’m fine!” I call back. “Just had a surge of hot water scald me to death. It’s fine. Go get ready for school. But hey- can you put the tea kettle on the stove on your way back through the kitchen?”
“Okay,” she answers, already turning around. Her concern for my well-being is overwhelming. I could have first degree burns in here and she wouldn’t care.
I’m going to be a bitch today. I can already tell. It’s just one of those days.
I take the shortest shower in the history of mankind, then towel off before I pad to the kitchen and make a cup of tea with six teabags. I dunk them a few times, then lay them on a saucer to cool, just as I watched Shade do it last night.
I return to my room and pull on a black pencil skirt, and a hot pink silk blouse. I have the perfect pair of heels to match it. By this time, my tea bags have cooled enough, so I shove my skirt up to my waist, lay flat on my back on my bed and cover my crotch with the wet bags.
Ahhhhhhh. If my vagina had a nirvana, this might be it. Well, this would be its Nirvana today, anyway. My vagina is sort of a fickle little thing.
I am remembering how Shade carefully arranged the bags for me last night, his long fingers moving them around just so, when I hear a rushed voice.
“Hey, mom, I need some money for lunch---“
Sophie bursts into my room and skids to a stop, her look a priceless cross between horror and shock. I’m sure it mirrors my own. I scramble to sit up and yank my skirt down, and as I do, the wet tea bags scatter on the white carpet of my bedroom.
I’m not sure what to do first, pick them up before they stain or try to explain to my daughter what she just saw.
“Um.” I bend to yank the bags up and Sophie shakes her head.
“You are so weird, mom.”
And she walks back out.
“There’s money in my wallet!” I call to her.
I’ve probably scarred my kid for life.
Courtney Cole is a novelist who lives near Lake Michigan with her family, pet iPad and her favorite cashmere socks. She's always working on her next novel. To learn more, visit her at www.courtneycolewrites.com
The Minaldi Legacy
The Paradise Diaries
The Bloodstone Saga
The Moonstone Saga
Follow me on Twitter!
Friend me on Facebook!
Find me on Goodreads!
See my books on Amazon